A funny thing happened a couple of weeks ago. I was out having lunch with the men in my life (Fran and Roman) at our favorite local restaurant, a little Italian place. We like it because it’s super-casual (read: kid friendly), the owners and staff are lovely and all three of us love the food. Yup, even my little fussy eater toddler loves everything there. So there we were, enjoying salad and soup. Roman was munching on cherry tomatoes and olives the waitress always brings him and stealing pieces of blue cheese from Fran’s salad. He was dipping his bread in oil and was eagerly awaiting the spinach ravioli he ordered himself.
The table next to us was a family with older kids and after a couple of minutes I heard them talking about fussy eating in children. One of their kids said, “Most little kids don’t like trying different food.” Then the dad replied, “If a child is a picky eater, it’s only because the parents have let them be like that.”
Ironically (since his comment made me fume), I think the conversation began because they noticed Roman eating a couple of things that might make many children turn up their noses. The dad definitely made his comment loud enough for us to hear, as if we’d be thrilled to get his approbation on our kid’s eating habits.
Roman is the epitome of a picky eater. Once a broccoli and mushroom lover, he will no longer eat any food that is on the same plate as either of those vegetables. Forget rice – he thinks it’s “weird”. He tells me eggs are “yucky” but he is all about soft-boiled eggs with soldiers, not lumping them in the same “yucky” category as scrambled, omelets, or fried eggs. Once he refused a plate of three different foods he loves, pointing at each while yelling, “THAT’S not pasta! THAT’S not pasta! And THAT’S not pasta!!” I guess he wanted pasta. I have taken to hiding vegetables in his meals and clinging to the few specific types and preparations he will eat – spinach chopped fine in a grilled cheese, sliced cucumbers, carrots and cherry tomatoes (but only raw), kale and spinach in smoothies.
Am I at fault as a parent for Roman’s eating habits? I prepared & fed him just about everything you could possibly imagine as a baby. He tried so many different things, it often actually led to Fran and I eating a more varied diet than usual. Now, half the time I make dinner knowing it’s something he will eat as well, but there are times I make dinner and if Roman doesn’t eat it, there’s no offer of a special meal just for him. I don’t believe his pickiness is our fault and I don’t think it’s a big deal (even though, yes, it does drive me crazy much of the time).
I remember at 7 years old having a stand-off with my dad over eating my veggies, with neither of us backing down. He would not let me leave the table until I ate them. I was determined to sit there all night with them on my plate untouched. He won – I forced them down eventually, while crying and telling him he was mean and unfair, making dramatic gagging noises as I ate. Poor dad! In my adult life, I LOVE and crave just about every kind of vegetable I can think of. I can’t think of any vegetable I have not tried and enjoyed. I don’t think that’s because my dad forced me to eat a plate of broccoli and carrots one night.
What drives me crazier, though, is people giving opinions on parenting couched as if it’s advice or undisputed fact. What works for one family may not work for another. And to assume that there’s one right way, or one technique that will work on every child, is crazy.
I don’t discount all parenting advice, or assume I know everything, either. But here’s the thing – the advice I listen to, the advice I try out to see if it will work, is the advice that I have asked for. I have a friend with boys a couple of years older than Roman, so knowing potty training wasn’t so long ago for her family, I asked advice on techniques she used that worked for her. I asked the same questions of a mama at a family gathering recently, since she also has a young son. When Roman first became disenchanted with the wonderful world of veggies, I asked advice from a pediatric RD when I reviewed Helpouts by Google. After we got home from a trip to Australia when Roman was just shy of a year old, I asked anyone and everyone who’d traveled through time zones with children what on earth we could do to stop Roman waking at 10pm and being wide awake until 3 in the morning every night. Jet leg in kids is BRUTAL.
What are your thoughts – do you think unsolicited advice on parenting (or just meant-to-be-overhead opinions) is okay in some situations?
I’m not a parent, of course – but this post made me think of this recent NYTimes Magazine article which I thought was so fascinating! http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/10/08/magazine/eaters-all-over.html
And how rude of that man to offer unsolicited parenting advice. Definitely not cool.
Gabby @ Marathons and Macarons recently posted…Get Outside with LÄRABAR (plus a Giveaway!)
Thank you so much for sharing that! I love that kind of thing, where you see the differences all over the world! (But I can’t believe they used New Zealand as the Vegemite example instead of Australia!!)
Parenting advice is such a touchy subject. I agree there really is no black and white, just lots of grey. As with many things, people just don’ t think before opening their mouth sometimes. When I was a brand new mom and we were visiting some of the Caveman’s great aunts, one of them thought the baby’s sock was too tight and told me I was “a horrible mother”. Ha! Yeah I was offended.
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Wow, that is harsh! What is it with that generation and socks on babies? I had lots of snide comments from older women when I used to take Roman out in the bjorn with bare feet. In summer.
Of course I can’t say much about this bc I am not a parent. However I do know that kids are very picky so it may be a struggle for them to try new/ healthy foods, but I think parents should should at least try and introduce them to it. But kids will be kids:)
I think every parent tries, but sometimes you just have to take a step back and remember that eventually, it will all work itself out. And sneak veggies into other food while you’re at it, ha!
Nope. Never. It really annoys me. I’m dealing with this already even though I’m not technically a parent. I had someone comment on what I put on my registry basically telling me I was asking for the wrong kind of clothes because I’m having a “winter baby” and that the sizes I wanted were wrong. The baby’s not even here yet and I’m getting criticized on my choices! Oy! And don’t even get me started on the breastfeeding issue and the amount of unsolicited advice I’ve gotten on that. Also, I think there is a huge difference in offering someone their experience and basically saying “hey this worked for me so I just wanted to let you know about it, it may work for you” and “I did it this way and you should too.” I really think every family needs to do what is right for them.
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The breastfeeding advice is another bugbear for me. It’s another thing that is different from woman to woman and baby to baby. While I asked for advice on what worked from some of my friends, all of them prefaced it with, “This might not work for you, but it’s worth a try.” Miles of difference between that and someone just saying, “This is what you need to do.” By the way, I’m stalking you on social media in anticipation of adorable little baby boy pics. 😉
Rude, rude, rude! What everyone needs to realize is that every child, every parent, is different. We all have our own systems and they work for us. No commenting needed!
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Yup, I think because it was a comment meant to be overheard, made by a complete stranger that it was so infuriating! Who does that?
unsolicited = unwanted. I completely agree. 🙂
Mmm-hmmm!! 🙂
Absolutely agree with you on this. It drives me nuts when I receive unsolicited parenting advice because they don’t know me, my kid or my situation. I try to keep my mouth shut around others and only preoffer advice when asked and be sure to preface it too! You know I feel similarly about Everett’s eating.
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Yup, I think lots of people assume that parenting has a right way and a wrong way, but it’s very different when you put kids into the equation, who are little humans with different personalities and quirks – I suspect having kid #2 is going to be a challenge because what worked on Roman won’t necessarily work on this one.
Great subject. Obviously passive aggressive comments are never welcome, but I wouldn’t rule out all unsolicited advice. I don’t know a parent that doesn’t have an opinion on this one, or at least suggestions for what worked for them. Personally I am of two minds on this. I know folks who say their kids will only eat, and allow their children to only eat, white bread and pepperoni. No joke. I also know kids who eat whatever their parents make, kale and quinoa and all sorts of home fermented things. I believe in balance. Yes, steamed okra is a stretch. The advice I took and works best for me is I put one thing on the plate that I KNOW my kid likes. Everything else is what we are having for dinner. He can eat it or not but he has to have one bite of everything on his plate. And we go through phases. He used to love edamame. Now he wouldn’t eat one if I stuffed it in a marshmallow peep.
I also agree that kids have to taste somethinig upwards of 10 times before they recognize it as something they like (hello asparagus).
All that said, and more importantly, at a restaurant the most important thing is that a kid gets what keeps him happy and quiet. Don’t get me started on unruly children in resturants. Another post perhaps?
Don’t get me started on the phases. When suddenly the one thing he loved, loved, loved becomes his most hated food-stuff ever…it’s just mystifying to me.
By the way, I recognize the irony of me giving unsolicited advice in a comment about not giving unsolicited advice.
In a word – no. It’s never welcomed or well-received. Just.don’t.do.it. Eventually, all these little problems (and they are little) work themselves out. As a teenager, I lived on Lucky Charms and nachos in a box with orange microwaved cheese. I think my habits have corrected themselves, right? 🙂
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Exactly! I know I didn’t have the love for veggies and healthy food that I have now, that’s for sure. It’s already stressful when you’re a new(ish) parent worrying about eating habits or whatever, but to get advice that just makes you feel worse – ugh.
Oh, parenting “advice” a universal annoyance 😉 Unfortunately, it will always be there about something. I have found that I do my best to ignore strangers and vent to friends about whatever random advice came my way.
I do offer one piece of unsolicited advice to all new moms “Have a plan and know that it can change and that’s ok. Do what works for you and your family” Parenting (in my opinion) is about being flexible and rolling with the punches. Our boys are only 7 and 9. We have a ways to go and I am sure lots more advice to be sent our way 🙂
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See, I like that advice!! At a baby shower once where we all had to write advice for the new mama, I wrote, “You’re the one who knows your baby best, so go with your gut.”
I think when people make little “subtle” comments they actually come across as snide digs.
I hate when people try to tell me what I should be doing or what my boys should do. Because of that I make a point to never give out unwanted advice even to my sister. If she asks my opinion on something I share what worked for us but if she isn’t asking I keep my thoughts in my head.
I really try to never give my opinion unless I’m specifically asked for it, either. And you’re right, sometime stour opinion is just that something worked for you, but kids are different, parents are different and family dynamics are different, so it’s never going to be a hard-and-fast, this is the only way.
Even while my baby is still in utero, I’m getting all kinds of unsolicited advice on sleep training, nursing, babywearing, choosing a medicated vs unmedicated birth. Gah.
I know this is subject to change, but I plan on adopting my mom’s 3-bite rule: you have to eat 3 bites and if you still don’t like it, you can leave the rest of it. I might modify this to having to try the food on 3 separate occasions, and if you still hate it, I won’t make you eat it until you’re ready to try it again.
But we’ll see. Can’t predict the kid’s personality at this point!
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I think that’s a good plan! But you never know, little Olivia might be a champion eater and you’ll never have that problem!
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