On Life With Two Boys, 1 Month Postpartum

Having a newborn baby and a toddler is no joke. Throw trying to recover from childbirth in there and you have a recipe for one mama who doesn’t know which way is up. I mentioned in passing that life with two boys is a little different than being a blissful mama of one and I figured I’d give you a little insight into what that’s been like, now we’re old hands one month into it!

Life With Two Boys

Once, when Roman was about 9 months old, Fran and I were at a child-friendly cafe for lunch with him. Even though there were a few other families there, I was on Roman like a hawk, trying to anticipate if he’d get loud, throw food, or grab anything he shouldn’t. It’s stressful taking small children out to eat, regardless of how kid-friendly the establishment. Since I was so focused on making sure my child didn’t become that child, I didn’t really notice much about the table next to us, a couple with a toddler and a baby. As they got up to leave, though, and as I attempted to mop up with one hand something Roman had just knocked over, while simultaneously shaking a toy in his face to offset the tears I suspected were imminent, one of the parents leant over to us. “Don’t have a second child,” she said quietly. “I’d kill to have as calm a lunch as you’re enjoying right now.”

Clearly (and thankfully, I should add), we didn’t listen. 😉

The first couple of weeks as mama of two were fairly smooth… There was the recovery in hospital, of course, where you have nursing staff, visitors and (most importantly) no toddler 24/7 in your hospital room. The second week, back at home, was also pretty smooth. While I adjusted to being back to breastfeeding, Fran was on his week of paternity leave and he and Roman spent the days in the playground, going to the movies, out for father and son lunch dates. It gave me a chance to have those hours of gazing at Tanner, the new baby smell and the teensiness of his little fingers and toes keeping me occupied while I nursed and burped and rocked and held him.

I was terrified for the following week, when Fran went back to work and I would be home alone with both boys, sore, stiff, slow and sleep deprived. In a brilliant stroke of luck and excellent timing, the day before he was due to go back, Fran got news that all the New York staff in his company were to work from home until further notice. Amazing, right? It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Then reality set in. Daddy home on paternity leave is a very different situation than Daddy home and working on his laptop, making work calls, with a three year old in need of extra attention rampaging around a 1.5 bedroom apartment. By day two of this new situation I ventured out with both of my boys, the baby strapped to my chest and a vice-like grip on Roman’s hand as we made our way slowly to the playground, terrified that at any moment Roman was going to bolt away from me and I’d have to lumber after him, trying to hold Tanner’s head as I “ran”.

Day three found me sobbing on the couch.

Day four found me wondering how we were ever going to survive.

And then slowly, piece by piece, (and with the help of strategically timed babysitting for Roman) it all started coming together and life started making a little more sense.

So, what changes when you have two?

• Forget patience. If you can keep it together and go for any length of time without shouting at a toddler when you’re a mama of a newborn, it’s a miracle.
• Your youngest is getting a crash course in being able to sleep through anything. I watch in awe as Tanner blissfully naps in his rocker in the living room, while Roman has a tantrum on the floor literally inches away from him.
• There is no you-time. When I had Roman, I was mobile, at least. I could strap him on and go for a walk, grab a coffee, run some errands. So long as my boobs came along as well, we were all set. Now? There is no relaxation in corralling a toddler while you’re slow and in pain and unable to run if you need to.
• Your heart will explode with the love you see forming between your kids.

• The moments you have with your newborn are that much sweeter, more poignant and precious because you know how fleeting this stage is and what a privilege you had with all that on-on-one time with your first.
• The moments you have with just your toddler are also that much sweeter now you realize they will be fewer and further between.

• It’s just best for you to not try to remember when the last time you showered was. Or if you do work it out, then just tell yourself you must be mistaken because you’re so exhausted – it’s better than facing up to the reality that you probably have a small person’s bodily fluids somewhere on you at all times. And then were too tired to wash them off.
• You will cling to coffee like it’s a lifeline (it is). This week I had a friend visit, who’s running the Brooklyn Half on Saturday. We were going over the course map and as I pointed out the hills and we discussed pacing, I realized my hands were shaking from caffeine consumption. Super healthy.

On top of all this, we had all the grandparents arrive en masse – my mum and dad from Australia and Fran’s mom from Vermont. Grandma was here for a few days and my parents are here for a month.

While they’re not staying with us (tiny Brooklyn apartments not being conducive to prolonged sleepover visitors), they are spending lots of time with us, which has meant Roman has an audience. Cue tantrums. Cue pushing the boundaries to see just how much he can get away with. Cue incredibly stressful power struggles at nap time, bed time and any time he is asked to do something he’s not all that keen on. Remember day three, in which I was sobbing on the couch? It’s not quite to that point, but there’s a LOT of snapping and crankiness on my part.

Luckily, Tanner is one chill baby. He sleeps well, averaging two wake-ups after we put him down for the night (three if he needs an extra diaper change) and he has one fussy period every evening, where he’s crying and cranky for about 45 minutes. That’s not even so bad because it’s like clockwork, so we know it’s coming and are prepared for it.

My body, on the other hand, is not so chill. Given I was in better shape pre-pregnancy with Tanner, was more active throughout and put on less weight despite him being bigger, I just assumed recovery would be a breeze. I guess it’s the difference from postpartum at 37 versus 33 years old, or the fact that Tanner was 1 pound, 7 ounces bigger than Roman, but recovery is definitely taking longer than I anticipated. I feel like my joints haven’t quite knit themselves back together after loosening up for childbirth. It’s painful to get up from the floor to standing. If I walk a lot, or have a relatively active day, the next day is brutally painful for me, as if I ran a marathon. I had anticipated walking and doing light workouts by this stage, so I would be itching to start running after my six-week check up with my OB. Now that I’m a month postpartum, though, the idea of being able to run anytime soon seems almost impossible.

Despite the moments when I explain to Roman that Mama really doesn’t enjoy yelling and could he just brush his teeth already, or when I jerk awake at 4am on the rocking chair in the nursery, or when I shove Fran and ask him to feed the baby before remembering he doesn’t have the ability to breastfeed, or when I’m dealing with a diaper change that’s turned into some kind of horror show, life is beautiful. (Seriously, with all the information out there about all the crappy parts of parenthood, it’s kind of incredible that people without kids are daily deciding to have them, isn’t it?)

Yup, despite all those tear-your-hair-out moments, there is nowhere else I’d rather be, no life I’d rather be living than right here, the luckiest mama in the world, with my two wonderful boys who make my heart sing and my amazing husband who helps me hold it all together.

Have more than one kid? What do you remember from the early days of your expanded family?

Twin mamas (you know who you are), I remain in awe of you.